But it was a fun diversion while I was home, and last night was a perfect cap to this roller coaster of a season.
Here we go!
The opening song was...okay. Even though Blake & Jordin are individually quite awesome, they're too different to have any real chemistry together. Believe me, I want them to, but I don't feel it. However, I will overlook this fact for the sheer thrill of Jordin twirling in next to him so he can kiss her cheek. Affectionate little gestures like that are, after all, the ultimate highlight for an episode of this show, no matter if they're spontaneous or choreographed.
I want to like Gwen Stefani's '4 in the Morning' song, but I...don't really. Sigh.
KELLY CLARKSON! Still far and away the best Idol winner ever. Runs circles around Carrie, and of course makes all the other winners look like a joke. Although I frequently mock her hairstyle and HATE her nose stud, I really do like Kelly. Usually. I'm getting tired of her angry rock songs/channeling Janis Joplin, though. Gives me a headache; it's almost worse than her super-slow ballads. What happened to her nice in-between songs, like "Breakaway" and "Addicted"? Also, she sounds like she's on the verge of losing her voice on this song.
Golden Idols, what? I don't remember these. But if this year's set is any indication, then clearly I must have blocked the memory because it was so horrible. THIS is why I don't watch the despicable audition episodes, okay? I spent the entire segment quite literally rocking back and forth with my eyes closed and my ears covered, wailing "Oh my God, MAKE IT STOP! MAKE IT STOP!!" NEVER DO THAT AGAIN.
Boys' Song. Dang, Chris Sligh's good voice still shocks me. Ooh! Smiley Brandon! Ahhh, Sanjaya, I missed you. Unfortunately, I can't concentrate on any of these things because Smokey Robinson gives me nightmares. His eyes creep me the hell out, to say nothing of his plastic visage. Next to him, Phil looks normal.
Who is Doug E. Fresh? I have no idea. What I do know is that his presence subjects me to approximately 5 hours of horrendous noise-making with Blake, which nearly causes me to resume the rocking and sobbing. If Blake made a CD, would it sound like this? Not that I would have bought it anyway, but...eesh. This is why I dont' listen to rap. EW. This is like watching two escapee patients from a mental hospital.
Golden Idols, Part II is considerably less horrific. Actually, I'm a little bit puzzled as to why the 'winner' here is being mocked. I mean, it's a little bit funny how dramatically he projects his voice, but it's really not that bad on the ears. It's actually kind of nice. It's certainly not making me bleed out the ears like Blake & Doug. Whatever, Idol. I don't get you.
Girls' Song. For some reason, Jordin has been dressed in a pillowcase while all the other girls have nice, form-fitting white dresses. Anyway, they're singing with someone named Gladys Knight, whom I've never heard of. Mom explains she sang 'Midnight Train to Georgia.' Excellent, I hate that song. God, what is with this show and old people?! I WANT TO HEAR CONTEMPORARY MUSIC. NOT SO-CALLED 'CLASSICS.' This performance is an extended epitome of the reason I don't like Lakisha and Melinda, and it makes me fall asleep.
Ooh, Justin Guarini's in the audience! I loved Justin. He was better than Reuben, Fantasia, Diana, Bo, and Taylor combined.
Golden Idols, Part III is 2/3 adorable and 1/3 horror movie. Guess which part comprised the 1/3? I'll give you a hint: if I ever make a horror movie, I'm casting an evil bushbaby as the killer.
Seriously, that was GROSS. Antonella and what's-her-name were cute and sweet and I want to make a TV show about the crazy adventures they have. Ryan & Simon's BFF montage was hilarious. But Bushbaby and Boy Wonder? Ewwwww skin crawling on multiple levels. Sheer torture. I'd rather see the Big Bird lady make out with Ryan again.
Melinda song. I will be over in the corner, twitching violently to keep myself from muttering obscenities. I was not supposed to ever have to hear her sing again.
Blake & Jordin get Mustangs! Awesome.
Carrie sings "I'll Stand By You." The twitching/muffled obscenity-muttering continues. I hate this version of it; I really really really can't stand Carrie's voice. And fiddles do not belong in this song. Ever. And WHAT the hell was she wearing? That was far and away the most atrocious outfit ever. A pretty gown over jeans is weird enough; it's much weirder when you randomly cut out the entire front of the skirt part.
Please explain to me why Clive Davis is mumbling his way through a painfully long and irritatingly boring speech? This is not the Grammys. STFU. Also, don't insult the Katharine by praising "Daughtry" over her, as while I have McPhee's album, I wouldn't pay so much as a dollar to own one of Daughtry's songs. I'll listen to them, but they're not worth paying for. ALSO, stop rewarding Carrie Underwood please. Model? Yes. Actress? That would be wonderful. Singer? No, not really.
OMG THE STUPID AFRICAN CHILDREN ARE BACK. WITHOUT JOSH GROBAN. WHY.
And just when I think I'm going to have to break the TV, there is a special segment dedicated to Sanjaya, and I am instantly soothed. *purrs* I love Sanjaya. I still don't think he can pull off this song, because the boy's too cute and sweet to sing rock, but I am perfectly content to gaze blissfully at the screen.
Hm, I kind of like Green Day singing "Working Class Hero." Apparently it's actually a Lennon song. Good to know. And somehow this performance ties in with Darfur, but I don't really see how.
*spontaneously combusts* TAYLOR HICKS IS RAGE-INDUCING. Why did you people ever give him a single vote? That's just wrong. There is no earthly reason you should pay any attention to this attention-starved child. Hate, hate, seething hate.
Oh, hey there, Reuben. You are perspiring most noticeably and it is MOST discomfitting. Please exit my stage immediately. And THAT, America, is why Jordin needs to win the crown. So that when they have past Idols come back, she shows up. Just think, if voters hadn't been stupid in the past, we could have been seeing Clay and Katharine tonight instead of of Reuben and Spaz Attack. *sighs morosely* The one thing I will say for Reuben is that he makes Jordin look petite.
*rolls eyes* Hello, Bette Midler. Don't you think you ought to have retired by now? I have somewhat fond memories of the song "Wind Beneath My Wings" because that was one of the songs I danced to at my first ballet recital (age 4), but it's just not that fascinating to watch.
*mood spins 180 degrees* BEATLES MEDLEY = BEST THING EVER. I usually am not overly impressed by the Beatles, but I am utterly in love with their "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" album, which is where all the songs in said medley are from, and not even the fact that I have to listen to Taylor and Reuben and Carrie in the process can rattle me. "She's Leaving Home" is a particular favorite of mine, and Carrie actually sounds good on it, so, double bonus points!
AND THE WINNER IS...aww, Blake, just when I think you can't be any more adorable, you do things like kiss Jordin's hand, and then her cheek, and look completely calm and collected while Jordin tries not to fall to pieces. And then JORDIN SPARKS WINS! and there is much whooping and cheering in our living room, and Blake looks like he couldn't be happier about it, which I think is really how he feels, just like when Kelly beat out Justin. It's beautiful and gorgeous and heartwarming. And I'm buying Jordin's CD as soon as it comes out.
And now if you'll excuse me, I've got an appointment to keep with the 3rd season premiere of Idol's younger and much cooler sibling, So You Think You Can Dance! Yeah! Now THAT'S a show I'm actually happy to admit to falling in love with. Seriously, it is so much better than American Idol in every way.