While working on a draft of the book review, I was mulling over Edward's "waaaaaugh, I'm so bad for you, I could literally kill you" angsting and wondering if anyone has correlated this strain of vampirism to mental illness -- in ways other than "this unfairly stigmatizes mental illness" -- to something like untreated schizophrenia. No, I then decided, that's not quite right. Maybe more like...a specific type of PTSD. Being triggered by something and losing your head in ways that could prove dangerous, even fatal, to someone you love without realizing it. HEY WHERE HAVE I SEEN THAT, I KNOW, GREY'S ANATOMY.
(that scene still gives me chills btw)
So that's point 1 on the "why I can't really hate on Bella's weird disregard for her safety" list. I've been there, shipped that. I have understood exactly how the fantasy of overcoming that challenge draws you in, and how very appealing a Face Of Shame And Inner Conflict can be.
That promptly sent me off in a whole new direction to watch approximately 800 old Owen/Cristina clips. Oh, what a good ship. What a rush of good, intoxicating times we had, from the PTSD arc of year 1 (season 5), to the Teddy Angst year with the happy ending, to the ill-advised Rescue Me marriage year, and even after it all went to hell there were still those brilliant fight scenes and all the tears and yelling to savor. I mean, they were not fun in context, but I still really respect how the reaction to a plot point that should never have happened played out.
When I lifted my Tumblr ban to find gifs, I found a whole bunch of bonus scenes. For instance: I had NO IDEA there was an AU episode in which Cristina kept the baby and showed her future with a 7-year-old. I mean, supposedly its point was to show us how Mom!Cristina would have slowly withered and died inside behind her happy front, just like every other time this show uses AU to go "see, our universe is the only way things can turn out ever," but meh. That's just like, one showrunner's opinion, man. You still gave me the images!
I ended up reading my old reviews because my actual memory is a sieve, which is where I stumbled upon the reminder that once upon a time, when they first brought up having a kid, Derek said I don't want you to be alone. If anything should happen to me, I don't want it to just be you.
Which, setting aside that it is way easier to move on alone than with kids under about age 20, still sounds devastatingly romantic but more importantly, after last spring, sets it up perfectly to PUNCH YOU IN THE HEART MUSCLE WITH A SLEDGEHAMMER*.
*waitaminute is that stroller hers too? Waitaminute did they actually have a kid that is biologically theirs without me knowing anything about it?!?! Update, yes, they did, AND THEN THEY APPARENTLY HAD ANOTHER ONE FOR GOOD MEASURE. Oh my god. I'm so out of everything.
After scrolling through at least six pages of the Grey's Anatomy tag on the Tumblr of the person I reblogged that from, and realizing there are literally 3 seasons' worth of MerDer scenes missing from my life, I am now a tumultuous ball of motions about the fact that McDreamy is somehow even dreamier than I remember him being. What a good, good face. There's one set in particular I can't find, which I'm assuming is from his last episode, where he's reassuring a little girl named Winnie that nobody's going to die here today, and I'm sorry I'm just a melted puddle of goo. I don't even know if Enchanted is going to do it for me tonight. I might need the actual doctor, assorted personal darknesses and all. TO THE LIBRARY!
(if you were reading just for Grey's, it's over now; you can stop)
And back to Twilight
The last thing I have to say about Twilight is that overall, I'm really glad I saw the movie first, because the movie's definitely better. Not only because it makes it easier to establish the characters/setting/overall mood, as well as giving me an easy-to-follow timeline, but because whoever wrote the screenplay did an amazing job at condensing the story without really losing anything, in my opinion. But when we got to Chapter 23 (the ballet studio rescue)...as much as I appreciate what the movie did to make it more exciting for the viewer, the book made my heart shoot the moon.
I temporarily forgot anything I had laughed at earlier, well as all of the internet criticism I might have read, because there is no place I would rather be than restricted to Bella's viewpoint right now. That is the ultimate fantasy. When something bad happens, having the action out of your hands while listening to the guy you love panicking over your well being/pleading with you to stay, and also at someone more skilled to help you, help you RIGHT NOW. I had to keep setting the book down to do kicky feet and chew over the simplest of sentences.
"It hurts," I whimpered.
"I know, Bella, I know" -- and then, away from me, anguished -- "can't you do anything?"
"No, I want to sleep," I complained.
"You can sleep, sweetheart, I'll carry you," Edward soothed me.
I'm just saying, had the movie included that line, I would probably have somersaulted into shipping it on the spot. After that I was even jazzed up enough to get all aboard that hospital scene, Charlie who.(which is really ridic since half the reason I decided to read the book was in hopes that the movie just left an apology scene out. Alas, it really doesn't exist.)
Anyway, long story short, damsel in distress rescues are always the purest way to my heart. Even though Bella's "omg Edward I wanna be a vampire now, right now , right this very minute, I don't want to get all old and gross like a 20-year-old!!!" fixation continues to be incredibly uncomfortable and completely impossible to read as romantic*, I am still pretty much enjoying everything else in her head.
*listen child, I'm sorry that while you were busy casually reading the entire English literature canon you forgot to get yourself schooled in Tuck Everlasting, but that is not an excuse for not grasping that immortality is more curse than blessing and something you should probably think about for at least a few months
P.S. I did not know Jacob only "just turned fifteen." MEYER. You can't just claim he grew six inches in two months and expect that to make everything okay. Under-sixteens are not allowed to cross more than one school year in age difference unless they are at least 15.75 and/or in 10th grade. It's creepy, always.
P.S. #2: One other thing the movie did not do better: completely disregard Jasper's ~special git~ of natural charisma/ability to charm and/or calm everyone around him. The guy I saw is literally the opposite of that.
Twilight, The Next Day
I rewatched the ballet studio part on YouTube, and confirmed I still don't ship the movie version (and WHY IS THE BITE ON HER WRIST. IN THAT PLACE. WHY). I even cheated and spoiled myself silly looking up the proposal and the non-sexy honeymoon scenes; still nothing unless context changes things. Unfortunately, my feelings about the end of the book are still dominant and multiplying all over my heart in such a way that I don't want to deal with Jacob anymore, not yet.
Wait, never mind. I forgot about that still I saw from New Moon that's the whole reason I started this project in the first place. I still have a bunch of other library books to get to first, but then it's movie #2 time. Despite the fact that I weirdly want to keep reading this story instead of going back to watching it, now that I've established a rhythm. And fighting the knowledge in my brain that it's really important to watch first, and then take the book as an Extended Edition, because paranormal nonsense always manages to look less stupid than it sounds.