Holy control issues, Edward, calm the eff down and let her visit her damn friend when she chooses to do so. You are officially past the point of hotly protective and way into the Warning Signs Of Abuse zone, Extreme Hypocrite Edition. What is happening to my happy storyyyyy!
Page 170: I love Rosalie so much more than I even thought possible, poor dearheart. Also, everyone continues to be gross about Bella's lockdown.
Page 314: All right, it has gotten less terrible since Edward suddenly acknowledged being a creepy controlling asshole
Page 330: DAMN IT, JACOB. (Knowing this was coming did not stop me hoping he would magically not Darkest Timeline Halpert it up this time. This is gross. I have way more to yell at him about than I have ever wanted to yell at Edward. Where is the nice boy who helped her build motorcycles once.)
Page 336: Now even Charlie's being gross. "Good for you, kid"? What have I done to deserve this. I mean, besides spend several nights defending the first book against people who had read them all.
Page 422: Bella's sense of what is dangerous and what isn't is so screwed up there has to be some kind of medical condition to describe it.
Page 432: I like Jacob so much better in wolf form. He's so adorable and cuddly and soft. And quiet.
Page 442: Oh man. Is this the part where Bella tries to steal Edward's virtue? I love it. It's awfsome.
Page 462: I still don't understand what Bella thinks marriage is compared to what she already wants.
Page 478: This whole taunting-her-about-her-nonexistent-feeli
Page 488: ARE YOU ABOUT TO PULL OUT THE OLD "SPOONING FOR WARMTH" TROPE BECAUSE DAMN IT even in this state I can't resist that.
OH MY GOD YOU ARE.
THIS IS KIND OF AMAZING. All the more so because Edward is snarling and growling in a corner because his stupid ice block vampire self can't argue it and he knows it. This leaves me free to laugh at Jacob grumbling "go fetch a space heater? I'm not a St. Bernard."
Page 495: the boys fighting over her that has been incredibly tiresome for the whole book has abruptly become hilarious and I never want it to end. "STOP FANTASIZING ABOUT HER, PERVERT" / "No one said you had to listen" / "I WILL LITERALLY KILL YOU" / "oh stop being pissy just because you can't bang your own girlfriend" / "THAT IS IMMENSELY UNCOUTH!" This is my favorite thing that has happened in this series, ever.
Page 526: so. not a movie addition like Harry/Hermione, then. *grimace* Pity. (WHY DID THIS NOT HAPPEN IN THE LAST BOOK OMG)
Page 576: Oh no. I'm not sure I can handle The Short Second Life of Bree Tanner. I don't even do well when they make me get attached to the victims on Criminal Minds before killing them in the first act.
Epilogue: hold up, Jacob gets to narrate a chapter, but not Edward? Rude. I really do want to know what that weirdo's thinking.
5:00 pm: Done. OK, but other than "vampire marriage and baby," what even is the plot of the next book? What's left?